TOPIC: FEAR
SOURCE: HAVING A DAUGHTER
in therapy, i’m learning to focus on me, my husband, my son, and this baby girl; above all other things. it’s really, really hard for me because i say yes to everything (due to FOMO) and i NEED to please, even when i sacrifice my own sanity and peace in the process.
so suffice to say, over the last couple of months, my sessions have been filled with me complaining about people and how things could/should be different.
so to turn the focus back to me, my therapist led me down a new road. it was on the topic of my fear of having a daughter. i had shared this with her before but i typically would just start crying and i was never really able to articulate what i was feeling.
from the moment we found out about baby girl, i’ve gone down exciting roads and some very dark scary roads. the excitement and fear were both real and so confusing to feel at the same time. although, admittedly, fear was definitely the front runner. what if i repeat everything i’ve experienced in my own mother-daughter relationship?
i think it’s impossible to separate ourselves from our parents and when we become a parent ourselves, these thoughts can flood our minds. what do i want to pass on? what do i never want for my kids?
and then it hit me. i’ve been so focused on what was lacking and the weaknesses of my own experience growing up, that i was missing what has been given to me.
my mom had her own fears about having a daughter and i know she vowed to do things differently than what she experienced. and she did. i had been missing that. i literally starting listing off the things my mom did differently from the way she was raised and my fears started to lift. i was so grateful. i felt more connected to her in that moment than i have in years.
even though we fail as parents sometimes, we’d be hard-pressed to find a parent who doesn’t want/try to get it right most of the time.
when i allow myself to let go of my fear, extend grace, i think i will feel less heavy by the weight of being perfect for this little girl. i’m still working on it, but i wanted to share a little bit of the process.💗
& sometimes some of the best conversations are had.
