the perfect wife

“there is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.”

the other day i was talking to grant about my fear of failing as a wife & how overwhelmed i was at the thought.

i used to have the messiest bedroom growing up; for days – weeks – & my mom would tolerate it. i’m sure she would chat about my messy room with her gal pals at work, & when she would get home, i would have to finally clean my room before i could do anything else. & of course, another couple of weeks would go by & the bedroom would be a wreck again – & thus the same cycle goes round. how exhausting. for us both. my mom – just wanting order – & for the respect of keeping a clean bedroom – & me – who works much better in a messier environment – my thoughts are scattered like my clothes – finding comfort in the chaos – only wanting to take a nap on my pile of clothes. & yet not a day went by that my mom loved me any less because of my many flaws – weaknesses. if anything, she loved me more.

i look at my habits now – & the vulnerability that has suddenly become a requirement in our newlywed household. i’m still messy – i’m still scattered. & now my husband is my audience to this well-known show. my parents & brother were my audience for 18 years & now the audience has shifted. to my one & only. my husband.

it’s hard. they said it would be hard. & they were right. now, grant & i don’t struggle with sharing our space – that’s no problem. it’s vulnerability that i struggle with. but it has nothing to do with grant. that’s the beautiful part. he has created a safe, trusting environment where i can be myself, where i can relax, where i can be comfortable – as a husband should. i struggle with allowing myself the right to truly soak in the freedom. trusting that grant isn’t going anywhere. he isn’t going to suddenly notice a habit or see the messy room & leave me. am i the only one who has feared this?

i can’t be. i know i’m not the only one.

this is the same vulnerability that i have been steadily working on with god for years. for him to see & know me in ways i’ve never allowed anyone to see. to know & S T I L L. still be my God. still pursue me. still love me. still.

i guess what i’m getting at is that during this learning – i may not bloom like i expect. i want to bloom, y’all. i want to immediately have a wife routine, a chore chart, a grocery list, a budget. i want it all – all at once. i want to be the perfect wife.

yikes. i said it. i’ll let those words soak in for a few days. weeks. it’s real & i shouldn’t just sweep it under the rug. i’ve never been the perfect daughter, sister, friend . . . and yet now i want to be perfect at being a wife. i pray this will pass. that i will feel the freedom & the trust of letting go – learning through the mess. maybe even pick up some of the mess along the way.

i’m so thankful for grant – he lets me vent these thoughts and frustrations with open ears – – i love his support for the girl who seems to always be surrounded by a mess. he sees through it all. it doesn’t scare him off – and that is one of the many reasons i fall in love even more each & every day.

it’s ok that right now i’m not in a season of blooming. i will continue to plant & sow into our marriage – into this new role – and see beautiful blooms in their timing.

thanks for reading.

remember: “there is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.”