i know what you’re thinking. i’m a mom now. everything i do revolves around my kid.
oh, and before that, i was a newlywed. everything i did revolved around my husband.
OH, and before that, I was the quintessential single girl. everything i did revolved around my journey to wait for said husband.
i could go on and on. but yes. right now, 100% of my focus revolves around my baby.
and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
but every mom yearns for more. well, i’m assuming. i’m assuming because for as long as social media has been around, i’ve read the posts saying “i finally did something for myself” “i finally got my body back” “i’m finally starting to do ___(insert hobby) again” “i’m going out and getting drunk with the girls!” “pump and dump!”
i’ve read it, but i didn’t understand it. i mean, yes, intellectually, i understood. i understood that mothers (and fathers) make incredible sacrifices when they decide to start a family and sometimes the focus is so hard on one part that other parts get neglected. i got it. i’m all about rediscovery. i’m all about self-care. but what I didn’t understand was, why wasn’t it manageable? why did it have to be this “once a year” or “once every three months” kinda thing? it almost felt like a new years resolution. a promise to ones self that ultimately faded as the months passed.
well, NOW, I get it. not just intellectually. i get it in the way you get it when someone says hashtag mom life.
so here i am, three months into motherhood, 2.5 years into marriage, and i’m like WILL THIS HAPPEN TO ME? will i get so “caught up” in this season and want MORE. more of what i used to be? more of what i used to do?
possibly. i mean, the odds are definitely in my favor. and i’m okay with it. i’ve had plenty of seasons where i yearned for things i once loved. sometimes i cared enough to bring them back into my life, and yet other times, i just didn’t. and that was ok too.
i’ve already kinda started searching, actually. i’m trying to find my space here on the internet. i’ve blogged like my whole life. first it was xanga, and now it’s wordpress. i’ve vlogged like my whole life. first it was home videos and now it’s youtube – with like 550 videos people! iNSANE.
am i a professional blogger? no, not even close. do i aspire to do that? no, not even close.
i simply enjoy writing. i simply enjoy documenting my life.
these are gifts i have: writing & film.
but it would be easy for someone to flippantly say that — to say i’m aspiring to be “some professional blogger” — because I don’t work a regular 9-5 anymore. I’m home with my baby. And that’s what people do, right? Maybe. I mean, yes, lots of people do blog professionally. and that’s beautiful. and there’s nothing wrong with that, or less-than about that. it’s quite beautiful.
because it’s someone using their GIFT. and that’s what inspired me to write this post tonight.
the topic of GIFTS.
we all have gifts. and i’ve been super diligent recently to REDISCOVER what my gifts are. AND IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE PEOPLE. why is it so hard to say, “yes, i am good at that.”
the other day someone said to me, in the most genuine way, “gosh you are looking skinny!”
wow. i have NOT heard that kinda compliment in years. seriously. so what was my first reaction? well i’ve trained myself to ALWAYS say thank you when someone compliments me. Why? because when i was younger, the minute someone would say anything nice about me, i would immediately shake my head and say no no no no you’re wrong. this would always kinda offend the compliment giver. i was stealing their words. I was trying to change what they believed. i was rejecting their kindness because of my own insecurity. so I have worked hard to retrain my brain in that way. But back to this sweet skinny comment. I was so flattered. But instead of living in these kind words, SOAKING THEM IN as truth, I said “thank you — breastfeeding you know?! gotta love it. and it’s not because i’m eating great – i’m eating like crappppp.”
what in the actual heck alicia?
why must you do this? why must i put myself down? i’ve actually been working really hard to lose weight. i’ve actually been very conscious of the food i’ve been eating postpartum. i’ve actually been respecting my PP body and loving myself and YET, i can’t let myself receive such a beautiful compliment.
sigh. i’m still working on it guys.
ok back to what i was saying. every night i journal about what i’m good at – what i know my gifts are, and point my priorities towards those gifts. we all have different gifts and we SHOULD USE THEM. whether you get paid for them or not, you should use them and you should share them! like seriously, why aren’t you sharing your gifts? Is it because you’re worried about what people will think? do you feel slightly narcissistic? do you feel like it won’t be accepted? you might get rejected? nobody cares?
These are all things (SLASH LIES) that the world would have you believe. but GURL (or DUDE). do not believe it. all those lies i believed. but lately i’m just like NO. no no no. I have gifts, and I will share them. The people that care, care. The people that don’t, don’t. AND THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNING.
I’m fired up! Because I think social media has us second-guessing our gifts. I remember making up dances, selling tickets and performing shows for my family in my living room. I knew I had a passion for dance (a gift, some might say) and I had family that loved me and accepted me and my dances, and I used my gift. So simple. It brought me joy and it entertained them for a random friday night.
Do you get what I’m saying? People have been sharing their gifts since the beginning of time. That’s the whole point of them. Why do you think we were so obsessed with talent shows in elementary school? Because we wanted to share our gifts! People still go to open mic nights and audition for american idol and the voice. You don’t have to sing to share your gift.
So what is your gift? Are you really good at sharing it? Do you struggle with the lies? I say be shameless this week. Start using your gift. God gave it to you for a reason!
And if you’re not really sure what your gift is, start by writing down things you love doing. Usually, your gift is like right there within the first three things you write down. If you love hanging out with your friends, you are probably super encouraging. If you love reading, you’re probably also a really good writer!
I scroll through IG and I see all these people sharing their gifts and i’m over here like, YAS GURL. (or boyyyy) and i think now is the best time. It’s therapeutic. Could a painter paint without sharing? Yes, of course. But what joy the painting brings when it’s shared. When it’s brought to life in that way.
Ok, time to go journal. thanks for reading xox