I woke up as early as I could, you know, because that first trip to the bathroom is perfect for testing.
I sat there, blurry eyed and excited, setting my timer for the exact time. I put the test face down on the side of the tub; I didn’t wanna cheat a look, you know.
The timer went off and I picked up the test.
This was our third month trying since our miscarriage.
Emotionally I couldn’t take the disappointment. I had used up countless tests already that year only to see a negative.
This was the first month I decided I wouldn’t stress. We wouldn’t plan, we wouldn’t check dates and calculate all the things. We would just be married and enjoy that side of things without an agenda.
I picked up the test and saw POSITIVE.
Grant was making his breakfast in our dark kitchen. The sun wasn’t even up yet.
I hugged his neck and whispered – Babe it says I’m pregnant.
It was a joyful, scared hug we shared. The kind where you think if you just hold on, everything will stay just like this.
This was our rainbow baby. Our joy after the storm. But I wasn’t able to start BELIEVING I was pregnant until half way through my pregnancy.
I cried at all the appointments, especially when I heard the heart beat. And don’t get me started when I would see him in a sonogram. I was so thankful. But everyday I knew could be the last day.
I thought if I don’t get too attached, that if something happened, the pain would be less. I told myself this was God’s baby, and He will watch over this baby as He sees fit.
When you go through loss, it changes you. You either love fiercely and unabandoned and you hug harder and love bigger. Or, you’re more reserved, you put up walls, you live in fear because fear is safer. Fear protects.
That’s how I chose to love Stone from that first pregnancy test – in fear.
I’m challenged now. I never want Stone to experience my fearful love again. Ever. I want to be his messy, crazy, loving, wild mom. I want him to see every weakness and learn that he can be weak too. I want him to run after love, despite the pain that might come.
It’s been a year since that positive test. So much can happen in a little tiny year. If you have experienced loss, or the agonizing pain of waiting, or you have that fearful love with your own children – I FEEL YA.
The more vulnerable we can be with our people, the more we can release bits of fear. And my faith helps with my anxiety too. Knowing that my creator is always working things for HIS good helps me let go and trust a little more. I’m not the strongest, but Stone will grow up knowing this truth. This messy love I have for him and for Jesus.